portraits-of-america:

     “My maiden name was Burger and his last name is Berger, so I went one letter from Burger to Berger. It gets better: His brother’s name is Bob and he was our best man. My dad’s name is also Bob, so we had two Bobs, Berger and Burger, at the wedding. Bob, his brother, was married to Linda. My name is also Linda, so we had two Linda Bergers. Everyone was confused.
     “Then I go to the Secretary of State to change my name. ‘What’s your maiden name?’ Burger. ‘Now, what’s your married name?’ Berger. ‘No, no, we need your last name.’ I just gave it to you—Burger.”

Livonia, MI

fluent-in-lesbianism:

bellezza98ceilo:

space-sailor:

pinkkryptonite:

fluent-in-lesbianism:

MY MOM JUST TOLD ME TO CREMATE HER AND PUT HER ASHES IN AN HOUR GLASS SO THAT EVEN AFTER SHE’S DEAD AND GONE SHE CAN CONTINUE TELLING ME HOW MUCH TIME I’M WASTING ON THIS SITE.

daaaang lol

sooo you both get burned in the end

you did NOT
you just

HOW DARE YOU SPEAK OF MY MOTHER IN THAT TONE OF PUN

call-me-wicked:

theaudienceapplauded:

The Every Occasion Card

Have a shitty motherfucking baby

Thanks for the shitty ass gift

thestraggletag:

egobus:

I want a movie about greek gods where hades isn’t the antagonist

By all accounts the antagonist in every Greek Gods movie should be Zeus’s dick. Nothing else causes as much murder and mayhem.

wannabeastarshipranger:

perchu:

FILED UNDER: JOKES I DIDN’T UNDERSTAND AS A CHILD

they were talking about his height 

They had not met him yet. This was a penis joke.

blizzardelsa:

cishits:

She literally just presents evidence of deeply entrenched misogyny within a medium, in a systematic, calm, logical, and articulate way.

But she’s called a “bully” for pointing out how misogyny. She’s called misogynistic slurs just for having well spoken…

did-you-kno:

There’s an Australian artist named “Pricasso” who paints accurate-looking portraits using his genitals. Source

Track:
Artist:
Album:
Plays: 2,393,091

bleeznuggets:

riddlemethatgollum:

samandriel:

visitingfan:

consultingcorsair:

poppy-popsicles:

I wanted to download We Will Rock You, but…

hellhoundsonthehunt:

paradoxicallygrey:

sincereglomp:

a) how will you cut your nails

b) how will you remove it

c) Why would you do this

d) what made them decide 53 was the place to stop

lumos5001:

sterlingkato:

MEMO: The space bar is important. 

also punctuation placement 

I am alone eating peanut butter with my horrible eyebrows and people could be eating ACTUAL FOOD RN.

jordanleeemerson:

vronboy:

water-lesbians:

whitetail-music:

fuckyeahragetoons:

blowing up bridges 

This must be the most satisfying job

its looks like sonic ran across that bridge

image

I did this once

gOTTA GO FAST

albinoninetales:

playing pokemon as a kidimage

playing pokemon as an adultimage